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Greetings, RHOBHers! Was it just me, or was this season's White Party kind of underwhelming? I will even venture to guess that this wasn't the real White Party. That's right! I'm suggesting this was a staged White Party, designed to…well, I'm not sure. But still! No one seemed very excited and no one wished Mauricio happy birthday (that I can recall, anyway). Whatever, let's get to the numbers for episode 13.

RELATED: REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS BY THE NUMBERS: ADRIENNE MALOOF SAYS SHE'S NOT SUING BRANDI GLANVILLE

0: Number of people who can be happy for a friend when said friend slurs, "I'm in love, I'm getting on a plane, oh, my child is with you?"

0: Number of good reasons there are for not knowing where your four-year-old kid is.

0: Number of people who believe that Adrienne Maloof was not secretly seething about Kim Richards using a plastic surgeon other than Paul Nassif.

3: Number of times Adrienne said “my husband would have done just as good a job.”

0: Amount of sense it made (on an admittedly fabricated scale of sense) for Adrienne to haul her family into her giant Escalade and drive down the street where firetrucks were trying to get through to Lisa Vanderpump's old house.

12-18: Number of floating eggs/balls in the pool it takes to class up a party.

3.5 million: Approximate number of people who believe Kyle Richards thought inviting Brandi Glanville and Paul to the White Party would make great TV.

7: Approximate number of hours it seems to take Adrienne and Paul to get to Kyle's house.

100,000: Approximate number of times Adrienne said the word “karma.” Is there a special kind of karma for people who always talk about karma despite deserving some pretty terrible karma themselves?

30: Amount it costs, in dollars, for me to get a spray-tan that doesn't stain my furniture. (And I'm crazy, I have an ivory couch.) Perhaps some of Adrienne's lawyer budget should go into a better-quality spray-tan budget? (PS, if this ever happened to me, I would be postively mortified. Adrienne seemed to think Lisa should just expect spray-tan stains and ask no questions.)

0: Degree of difficulty involved in not hiring a lawyer when you don’t want to hire a lawyer.

7: Grade I was in when lots of girls were sporting heart necklaces like the one Faye Resnick was trying to make happen. I mean, I'm sure it was gazillions of dollars, but that doesn't make it cool.

1: Number of people I want to punch in the face whenever Adrienne wags her finger around and says, “That’s not nice” and “Nonononononono." That guy Dwight is my first pick. Here are some words that don't ever make sense: "Let Taylor talk."

0: Number of appearances by Camille Grammer in this episode. Was she not invited to the Fake White Party?

0: Number of appearances by Yolanda Foster in this episode. Yolanda does NOT attend Fake Parties, though, so I'm not surprised. But if she had, this White Party might have been a bit more fabulous.

RELATED: BY THE NUMBERS! REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS, SEASON 3, EPISODE 11

What did you guys think of this episode? I was glad Marisa Zanuck also saw no need for Kim to get a nose job. Kim needed a nose job like we need to see more Faye, amiright? Let us know what you thought of this ep @OKMagazine, or of course, let me know @reallylsass.

 

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