Ok, folks. We suffered through another episode of Jersey Shore, and now it’s time to review. We pick up where we left off last week, when Roger Mathews shoves his now-fiancée, Jenni “JWoww” Farley up in da club (don’t worry, we wrote that way as a joke). JWoww is rightfully astounded, and she throws a drink in his face, which she explains is to prompt him to “check himself.”
Incredibly, this solves nothing. Roger takes off down the street and JWoww limps after him. He tells her he knew it was her that he shoved and she deserved it. What?! Excuse the pun but, oh, wow. We can’t believe that, and we especially can’t believe he said so oncamera. JWoww notes that if she continues to fight on the street with Roger, they will both get arrested, and she leaves.
By the way, we’re still not sure what all the fighting was about.
After we’ve had a hard night of drinking and drama, we like to sleep in until single digits, get a breakfast sandwich from 7-Eleven and watch Jersey Shore. Which begs the question, what do the people on Jersey Shore do after a hard night of drinking and drama? Well, Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola likes to go to the gym. Ugh! If you didn’t hate her before, you do now. Sammi and Ronnie Ortiz-Magro argue in the car about the JWoww/Roger drama. Ronnie doesn’t understand what Sammi is saying. We’re not trying to protect you from the other guy, we’re trying to protect you from your idiot self.
JWoww and Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi go to the doctor, where they discover that JWoww has a fractured ankle and Snooki is short. These scenes were very difficult to watch because everyone’s outfits were so loud and busy, including the doctor’s. There have always been rumors that this show is scripted, but one thing it does not have is a wardrobe director.
The doctor says most fractures take between four and six weeks to heal, and Snooki immediately claps her hands and cheers, “Yeah! Your summer’s over!” She’s delighted because now she has someone to be boring with, or so she thinks. This, honestly, is how a true friend would react, so we love this moment.
The girls predict that no one in the house will believe that JWoww actually fractured her ankle, so they get a note from the doctor. Indeed, everyone starts talking about how JWoww always overreacts. Ronnie says she should have gone to B—- University and gotten a bitchatchler’s degree. And you can tell he realized it sounded better in his head. Oh, Ronnie. Nice try.
That night, the whole gang goes to Karma, including Snooki, who bails after realizing JWoww is determined to continue acting like a drunken idiot and she’s going to be a waitress all night. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino says that now, as a sober person, he finds drunk people very annoying. Is this only a post-rehab realization?! How long was this guy on the wagon? He also talks about that chick Paula. He says he loves her and she loves him. That’s all well and good, but we wish he didn’t love that vest he keeps wearing. We predict that as soon as he makes it official with Paula, she’s going to get rid of that thing. Honestly, in a show featuring Vinny Guadagnino’s hideous pulled-up socks, Sammi’s “I still want to look like I’m in college” Bebe tank top and all of JWoww’s clothes, that vest is still the most ridiculous article of clothing of the hour.
Aaaanyway, Mike says people should leave him alone, and compares himself to Jean-Claude Van Damme and Rambo. Oh, please. That’s like comparing Deena Cortese to Alyssa Milano and Erica Kane. Mike goes home and invites Paula to come “snuggle” in his twin bed.
When Deena gets home, she keeps drinking. For as annoying as Deena is, however, we appreciate her attempts to make this show interesting. We just wish she did a better job. All those “accidental” falls? Honey, physical comedy is not your strong suit. Somebody call Jaleel White.
The next morning, Deena hits the boardwalk without brushing her hair and probably her teeth. She auditions half-hearted extras to be her meatball. She dances. She whines. She spins around in a chair with the help of some lady who is already regretting her outfit. She bumps into a guy wearing a T-shirt that says WOODY on it, and he doesn’t even take the opportunity to stay on TV, which, really, you’d expect of someone who is wearing a shirt like that. This just goes to show how annoying Deena is. Eventually, while still dancing atop the bar, she starts to cry. She says she misses her meatball and she feels very alone. A crazy woman with Rod Stewart's haircut keeps saying “Awww.” We feel nothing.
Next, Deena did something that warrants a word of caution to everyone who has not visited a boardwalk on the Jersey shore. No, we’re not talking about her arrest for public intoxication. We’re talking about how her being presented with another giant blue ball despite NOT WINNING the basketball game. This would never happen. So don’t go to the shore and think you can just be drunk and annoying and those game people will give you whatever you want. They will let you play for hours and take hundreds of your hard-earned dollars and give you nothing, not even a Chinese finger-trap, much less the giant ball, which is known as a “Choice Prize” down the shore. Not that this ever happened to us; we are just saying.
Deena’s next stop is the Shore Store, where Danny orders one of his actual employees to take her to get coffee. Really, Danny? Worst boss ever. We can only imagine what Steve stuck in the T-Shirt iron to deserve that. A short while later, Deena is arrested. She cries and asks why she’s in trouble.
“Because you’re dancing in the streets and blocking traffic,” the cop says. Nice going, Steve. Couldn’t just get the girl coffee and avoid an arrest, noooo. Your next punishment will involve feeding the Edible Arrangement to The Situation while he wears nothing but that vest and some dollar-store Mardi Gras beads.
That’s the end of this episode, and we had no reason to mention Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio. Time to step it up, Pauly. We were already searching for reasons to do so before, and we’re tired of it.
In the previews for next week, Sammi says Deena is in so much trouble and her parents are going to kill her. We guzzle the last of our wine and lament the fact that someone who still fears the wrath of her mom and dad makes more money than we ever will.