OK, guys. We are in the final stretch now, just one episode left of Jersey Shore ever. I’d like to take inventory now on how you all feel. (Real fans only, please.)
Jenni “JWoww” Farley is informed by Roger Mathews that Jionni LaValle is pissed at her for saying he needs to be around more. One, we’re not sure anyone, let alone JWoww, would fear the wrath of Jionni, and two, we’re pissed at Jionni for calling Roger with this problem rather than JWoww. We’ve already spent too much time discussing this though, because it’s all resolved in two minutes. Blah, blah, blah, Jenni calls Jionni and they sort it out.
Everyone discusses their plans for the week, which include a Meatball Day and ballroom dancing. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino discusses his stripper past, and we think for a second that he has learned humility as a Jersey Shore star: he says he was a stripper because of “the looks I had at the time.” At the time! Our excitement was short-lived, however. He later says that he is “extremely attractive these days,” among other nonsense.
Everyone goes to Karma and Paula shows up in some kind of gold dress. Oh, Paula. Oh, that dress. Do you guys remember when you could wear the same clothes as your Barbie? We think that dress was one of the options. Jenni rightly says it’s “a little prom” (translation: tacky) and that Paula is trying too hard. We appreciate how all the Shore girls are nice to Paula even though she’s young and stupid.
As bad as Paula’s dress is, there were way more terrible things happening at Karma this particular evening. Not 15 feet away, Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio convinces some poor soul that “I hate to bother you cuz you’re busy, but you’re hot though,” is a “really f***ing good” pick-up line. A really f***ing good attempt at speaking English and being polite, maybe, but a pick-up line? No. The biggest travesty, however, is that some of us have sweaters similar to the one the poor soul was wearing. If you see us at the Salvation Army later with a donation, we’d appreciate if you could pretend this whole thing never happened.
Meanwhile, a girl is sloppily grinding on Mike while he stands there like dimly-lit lamppost. Paula freaks out, runs over to them and screams, “THAT’S ENOUGH! DON’T TALK TO ME!” Which is a weird thing to say to the person who is not talking to you, nor making any attempt to do so.
We hate to side with Mike in any, pardon the pun, situation (or anyone who says to a stranger, “I will do you real good”) but he is free to do whatever he wants. Paula is the one who keeps showing up where he is, it isn’t like he invites her and then ignores her. She was likely more upset than necessary because of all the effort that way-too-clearly went into her evening getup. She squeezed herself into that dress, she curled her hair, she walked around in painfully high heels… we get upset when someone cancels plans after we’ve put on eyeliner.
The next day, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi and Deena Cortese focus their efforts on finding another meatball, or someone to put up with Deena as Snooki’s baby bump grows larger. “Meatball Day. Meatball Tryouts. Meatball Olympics,” Snooki says half-heartedly. “Give me my check.”
What follows is poor substitute for Jersey Shore’s glory days. Turns out finding a volunteer for the Meatball Olympics is almost as difficult as finding one for the Hunger Games. The girls finally locate some people willing to do anything to be on television, and the games begin. The potential meatballs wear princess hats, harass strangers, yell, fall down, ignore how poorly their clothes fit in the sweltering heat, etc. Considering all these things, it’s easy to see why Snooki and Deena declared all three of the girls winners. (Note: there might have been four or five girls to start, but we don’t remember. You’ve seen one meatball, you’ve seen them all.)
Meanwhile, Ronnie Magro-Ortiz and Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola are on a date. It’s quite cute. Maybe it’s just because we know we only have one more episode left, but we really hope Ronnie and Sammi work out and continue to grow together. Salud.
Later, everyone goes back to the house to get ready for the evening, including the newly appointed meatballs, one of whom is Scottish and becomes a source for laughs. She’s a bit rough around the edges, and tells Vinny Guadagnino and Pauly they have no game.
“You look like my Uncle Gilbert,” Pauly retorts. This is a good comeback for just about anything, as is “I am extremely attractive these days” and “VAGINA!”
Next up, the Shore crew enjoys the last-ever Sunday dinner in the house. Deena is the one to figure out how to open wine. In a unique display of sentimentality, Mike does a strip show. Ronnie deems him “the worst stripper ever.” It’s hard not to agree. Good thing Mike found his true calling as a reality television hero.
Well, that’s it for the show before the final show. We rather enjoyed this episode, although we're upset we never got to see any ballroom dancing.
Note: If anyone knows what happened to the duck from Snooki’s shower that we saw again on the floor of the shore house, please DM @reallylsass on Twitter. Many thanks.