Tonight’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was exhausting. The Gorgas and Giudices came to physical blows, tears were cried, other Bravo stars were consulted. The whole episode took place inside that doomed castle upstate, and it felt claustrophobic and highly anxiety-inducing.
1. Teresa Giudice‘s first instinct in a fight is to run from the room.
Seriously, where was she going? To call the police?
2. Melissa Gorga‘s first instinct is to put her husband’s hat back on.
That’s actually the secret of their happy marriage—whatever’s under that hat. We’ve seen Joe’s hair before, so what’s with the panic? It’s good hair!
3. It’s really hard to pull apart two bulldog Italians.
Even with five people grabbing onto their limbs, it took minutes to stop these two men, who were probably spectacular all-state NJ wrestlers in their time. Such technique!
4. Joe Giudice quoted The Breakfast Club.
Did anyone notice that? “There’s going to be two hits. Me hitting you, you hitting the floor.” The estate of John Hughes should get involved.
5. The words they used to describe their family members are terms I wouldn’t use in a bar fight.
Though I liked that Bravo spelled out and yet then censored the word “mid***.”
6. Don’t turn on the Wakiles.
Unless you want to invoke the wrath of Rosie, that is. But seriously, they’re the only impartial parties in this mess. Be nice to them!
7. When Joe Gorga cries, we all cry.
Raise your hand if you got emotional. No lying!
8. Joe Giudice’s got no beef with Joe Gorga.
Well, that’s illuminating. “We grew up together!” he said, as if the rest of us had exaggerated some minor disagreement this entire time.
9. The black tar on everyone’s clothes was a high point of the entire series.
Joe’s gleeful confession that he’s been basically spray painting his hair black, and that’s why everyone’s clothes were stained, was really, really funny. A much-needed break from the tension and an excellent pay-off for the whole hat mystery.
10. Speaking of breaking tension: This image will never leave us.
Nor will Teresa’s “bow chicka ow ow.”
11. Caroline Manzo needs a bat signal.
Whenever anyone’s in trouble, they call her. And then act like they don’t want the help! Lauren Manzo deftly noted that perhaps the Gorga-Giudices were luring Caroline up to the castle to kill her. A Manzo sacrifice might have helped bond the families, for sure.
12. When in doubt, call Dr. V.
She understands the housewives because she’s Italian where it counts (around the crotchal region). Dr. V made more progress in the first 90 seconds than any other licensed professionals in two seasons of this show.
13. The solution to this mess is one-on-one brother and sister time.
What a revelation! For all their drama and name-calling, Teresa and Joe are often instantly warmer to each other when they’re alone.
What did you think of tonight’s episode? Can you believe next episode will still take place on this retreat?! Did you like how Dr. V handled things? Tell us in the comments below or tweet us @OKMagazine.