As Britney Spears’ new CD Blackout hits store shelves, OK! provides you with a track-by-track review of Brit’s greatest hits and misses…
1. Gimme More — She wants more. She wants to give us more. We get it. Do we want more? Like, 10 songs more? Maaaaaybe.
2. Piece of Me — Her anti-tabloid/paparazzi plea. Think Michael Jackson’s “Leave Me Alone,” without the musical resonance and relevance. Impressive use of the word “derriere.” That’s French for “butt,” y’all.
3. Radar — In which we learn what Britney wants in a man — and what’s on her radar. “Confidence is a must; cockiness is a plus; edginess is a rush; edges I like ‘em rough. A man with a Midas touch. Intoxicate me I’m a lush…” Suddenly, the K-Fed relationship makes a lot more sense. It was about booze!
4. Break the Ice — Midway through “Break the Ice” Brit mouths that she “likes this part, it feels kinda good.” That makes one of us.
5. Heaven on Earth — Pure, unadulterated pop crud — and, therefore, a sure hit among 12- to 16-year-old girls.
6. Freakshow — This is what’s called stating the obvious, Britney.
7. Toy Soldier — The chorus is “I need a soldier.” Didn’t Destiny’s Child write this song already.
8. Hot as Ice — Again with the ice imagery? “Cold as fire, hot as ice.” Doesn’t that make her, like, tepid?
9. Ooh Ooh Baby — This track features subtle a hint of Spanish guitar, and though the chorus is nothing more than “baby, baby, baby, baby” repeated ad nauseum, it’s marginally better than most of the other pop flatulence on here.
10. Perfect Lover — Ten tracks in and we’ve officially reached Britney overload. It all sounds the same: vocoded, synthesized and double-processed. Blackout is the musical equivalent of all the gas station snack foods Brit’s always circling around Malibu to stock up on. This is her Cheetos and Slurpee opus.
11. Why Should I Be Sad — The most ballad-y track by far — a not-so-veiled attack at Fed-Ex — and also, thankfully, the last track on Blackout. Which is why I’m also not sad anymore either.