11:47 p.m.: And there we have it. Good Night, and Good Luck to all. Oh wait, that was two years ago. ‘Til the 81st!
11:46 p.m.: Picture goes to No Country for Old Men. Another surprise. Not.
11:45 p.m.: Denzel Washington is bald. Just no.
11:44 p.m.: Frances McDormand is psyched. Don’t break your seat, woman!
11:43 p.m.: Director goes to the Coens for No Country for Old Men.
11:41 p.m.: Martin Scorsese has looked the same for 20 years.
11:40 p.m.: Two more awards, people. We can make it through this…
11:38 p.m.: For those keeping tally at home, No Country, Blood and Ma Vie en Rose are all tied at two trophies a piece now. Leading with three? The Bourne Ultimatum. Love it!
11:37 p.m.: And there you go, the first time since 1964 that all acting winners are foreigners! Who needs Americans?
11:36 p.m.: Who else was thinking Daniel would mention Heath?
11:34 p.m.: Viggo Mortensen looks more and more like Michael Douglas with that facial blanket.
11:34 p.m.: Actor goes to Daniel Day-Lewis. Surprise.
11:31 p.m.: Helen Mirren will never not be hot.
11:30 p.m.: No Roberto Benigni. I love you, Academy!
11:28 p.m. Diablo’s win means none of the five Best Picture nominees will go home empty-handed.
11:27 p.m.: Turned away a little quickly there, Diablo. Afraid to let people see you cry?
11:26 p.m.: Strip club to Oscar club — you know that’s going to be a biopic one day!
11:25 p.m. No upset — Original Screenplay goes to Diablo Cody for Juno. The more I look at her outfit, the more I think she stepped out of The Flintstones.
11:23 p.m.: So Harrison is a tad sloshed himself…
11:23 p.m.: Harrison Ford is presenting Original Screenplay, which means there will be an upset! Watch out, Diablo! Shakespeare in Love winning Picture in 1999 and Roman Polanksi winning Director in 2003 came courtesy of him!
11:19 p.m.: An Aussie wins. The Oscars are definitely loving the foreigners this year.
11:16 p.m.: Documentary Feature goes to Taxi to the Dark Side. Sucks for you, Michael Moore.
11:14 p.m. The chick who looks like Teri Hatcher is losing it.
11:13 p.m.: Documentary Short Subject goes to Freeheld.
11:12 p.m.: When they said La Corona, I thought of the beer. One-track mind, I know.
11:11 p.m.: Soldiers presenting. Gimmicky, but cool.
11:11 p.m. Tom Hanks and John Travolta have the same spray-on hair.
11:10 p.m.: James McAvoy looks constipated…
11:09 p.m.: Original Score goes to Dario Marianelli for Atonement.
11:08 p.m.: "Musem of Art?" Enunciate, Amy.
11:05 p.m.: Why can’t they just cut directly to commercial when these In Memoriam segments are over? It’s always majorly awkward when the applause dies and everyone’s there in silence.
11:05 p.m.: Heath Ledger closes.
11:02 p.m.: In Memoriam… sadness forthcoming.
11:01 p.m.: It’s official — Hilary Swank only looks good when she’s nominated… probably because that’s the only time designers give a damn about her.
11:00 p.m.: Cinematography goes to There Will Be Blood. Finally getting one!
10:58 p.m.: Cameron Diaz needs to stop coming every year until she gets nominated for something… which may never happen.
10:57 p.m.: Yay! Marketa gets to speak. Nice, Jon.
10:52 p.m.: They just cut Marketa Irglova off. Bitches.
10:51 p.m.: $10 says Colin Farrell is chuffed right now.
10:50 p.m.: Original Song goes to "Falling Slowly" from Once. Well deserved!
10:48 p.m. Hairspray isn’t nominated for anything, but John Travolta is here. Somewhere, Nikki Blonksy is breaking a coffee table.
10:47 p.m.: Is that really Amy Adams on stage? Or is it Isla Fisher?
10:46 p.m.: Patrick Dempsey‘s got to work on reading off scripts. But he’s a far cry from Ryan Sheckler though.
10:46 p.m.: Oh, look, more TV people…
10:45 p.m.: Why do they always have a foreigner present Foreign Language Film? Tacky much?
10:44 p.m.: Foreign Language Film goes to The Counterfeiters from Austria.
10:42 p.m.: Penelope Cruz. Javier is going to get some tonight.
10:38 p.m.: Anyone else thinks it’s kind of rude to wait until the guy is 98 to give him an Honorary Oscar?
10:36 p.m.: I lied. This is your pee break.
10:34 p.m.: Robert Boyle is 98. Doesn’t look a day over 70.
10:32 p.m.: Did a chandelier fall on Nicole?
10:32 p.m.: Nicole Kidman is pregnant. You can really tell with the extra weight on her lips.
10:31 p.m.: Bourne has won the most awards so far… really makes you wonder what would’ve been if it got major nods.
10:30 p.m.: This means the Coens can’t pick up four Oscars tonight. Oh, darn.
10:29 p.m.: Film Editing goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. Triply bad-ass.
10:28 p.m.: Children, don’t look directly at Renee Zellweger. You’ll have nightmares for days.
10:27 p.m.: Shakespeare in Love, I will never forgive you for beating Saving Private Ryan. Even though I’m obsessed with your score.
10:23 p.m.: Pee break now if you ever needed one.
10:22 p.m.: Jack’s got nothing on Kanye West with the sunglasses now.
10:19 p.m. Colin Farrell is chuffed, everyone.
10:18 p.m.: Wii Tennis. Two of my biggest obsessions together. (Oscars and tennis, not Oscars and Wii).
10:17 p.m.: Forget the Globes and the SAGs! The BAFTAs are the new go-to precursor for the Oscars. If Daniel Day-Lewis wins later (and let’s face it, he’s a 99.9 percent lock), it’ll be the second year in a row the BAFTAs correctly predicted the acting four.
10:15 p.m.: Oscar history lesson: that was the second foreign language performance to win (after Sophia Loren) and the first French-language performance to win.
10:13 p.m.: "You rocked my life!" She’s so cute!
10:13 p.m.: Actress goes to Marion Cotillard! Here’s your shocker of the night… so far!
10:09 p.m.: Awesome that Helen Hunt was in the montage for a nano-second. Now you regret it, huh?
10:07 p.m.: Um, why is Actress being presented so early?
10:06 p.m.: Sound Mixing goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. Doubly bad-ass.
10:05 p.m.: Okay, this Halle Berry/Judi Dench thing is getting old.
10:04 p.m.: Sound Editing goes to The Bourne Ultimatum. Bad-ass.
10:03 p.m.: Someone needs to tell Jonah it’s "Halle," not "Holly."
10:02 p.m.: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill need to be related like right now.
10:01 p.m.: "The baby goes to… Angelina Jolie." Props.
9:56 p.m.: Kristin gets a whole set and a flurry of dancers. Amy Adams got… nothing.
9:54 p.m.: I want to put Kristin Chenoweth in my pocket.
9:p.m.: Miley Cyrus trying to be sexy makes her look like a Cabbage Patch doll.
9:51 p.m.: Michael Bay is an Academy member. Michelle Williams is not. Go figure.
9:50 p.m.: No Country is the first film to win more than once tonight!
9:49 p.m.: No offense to the Coens, but it’s slightly disappointing going from double-J to them.
9:48 p.m.: A quarter way there to four statuettes!
9:47 p.m.: Adapted Screenplay goes to Joel and Ethan Coen for No Country for Old Men.
9:46 p.m.: Josh and James McAvoy. Too. Much. Pretty.
9:45 p.m.: Jessica Alba looks THRILLED to be there.
9:42 p.m.: So it looks like Cate will go home empty-handed tonight — if she pulls off Best Actress, it’ll be because AMPAS is so far up her butt they’re coming out of her mouth, not because she actually deserves it. Plus, there’s a pattern with double nominees — since 1992, it’s been alternating winning lead, then losing both. And the last person with two nods? Jamie Foxx, who won in lead! You know what that means.
9:39 p.m.: Anyone catch the shock on Ruby Dee‘s face? Fantastic. Four minutes and 29 seconds on screen isn’t going to bring you an Oscar. You need at least five and a half minutes like Beatrice Straight!
9:38 p.m.: Woman is wearing a Hefty bag. But I still love her.
9:37 p.m.: Supporting Actress goes to Tilda Swinton!
9:35 p.m.: Hey, remember when Eddie Murphy bailed last year after losing to Alan Arkin? It was amazing.
9:34 pm: Supporting Actress — without a doubt the most interesting category of the night.
9:33 p.m.: That is the scariest doll I’ve ever seen in my life.
9:33 p.m.: Animated Short Film goes to Peter and the Wolf.
9:31 p.m.: Hey, it’s Jerry Seinfeld… still promoting Bee Movie.
9:29 p.m.: Live Action Short Film goes to Le Mozart des Pickpockets.
9:28 p.m.: Owen Wilson‘s back in the swing of things… but left his glasses at home apparently.
9:27 p.m.: Anyone else feel like they’re in church?
9:24 p.m.: Felicity and Hannah are both at the Oscars. Noel, where are you?!
9:24 p.m.: Keri Russell is a bobblehead.
9:23 p.m.: If you’re wondering, I don’t like all montages. Case in point.
9:20 p.m.: Now that Javier has won, any combo of Daniel Day-Lewis, Julie Christie/Ellen Page/Marion Cotillard and Cate Blanchett/Tilda Swinton winning will make it the first time since 1964 all acting winners are foreigners.
9:19 p.m.: That Javier/Josh Brolin kiss was majorly hot. Swoon!
9:18 p.m.: Supporting Actor goes to Javier Bardem. Shocking.
9:15 p.m.: Why are Jennifer Hudson‘s boobs going sideways?
9:14 p.m.: Speaking of Cuba Gooding, Jr., his film Daddy Day Camp won a Razzie yesterday. Good to know he’s still in award-winning films.
9:12 p.m.: Montage time. I’m in heaven. Join me.
9:11 p.m.: Art Direction goes to Sweeney Todd!
9:10 p.m.: Cate Blanchett, there’s a snake on your boobs.
9:08 p.m.: Visual Effects goes to The Golden Compass. So the film wasn’t a total failure!
9:06 p.m.: So let me get this straight — Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway must present together, but their Get Smart co-star, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson gets to present solo because… why?
9:02 p.m.: Thanks for reminding us that Catherine Zeta-Jones has done nothing of significance since she won five years ago, Academy.
9:01 p.m.: She’s beyond adorable. I want to marry her.
8:59 p.m.: Amy Adams performing "Happy Working Song." She should be a nominee. ::sigh::
8:58 p.m.: Makeup goes to Ma Vie en Rose… and Marion Cotillard is ecstatic.
8:57 p.m.: Norbit is a nominee. We’re not going to talk about it.
8:56 p.m.: Why are so many TV people here? Luckily the announcer didn’t butcher Katherine Heigl‘s name. You know something would’ve gone down.
8:55 p.m.: I love the Animated Feature category, but every year it becomes more and more apparent an animated film probably won’t ever enter the Best Picture race again — Beauty and the Beast is the only film to do so!
8:55 p.m.: Animated Feature goes to Ratatouille! Fitting as it’s the Year of the Rat!
8:51 p.m.: Red is definitely the color of the night, but Anne Hathaway‘s dress is strangely reminiscent of Kate Winslet‘s rosy one-shoulder-swept dress from the 2002 ceremony.
8:50 p.m.: "My Heart Will Go On"?!?! Really?!?!
8:49 p.m.: Oh, Matt and Ben! It’s been 10 years. How time flies.
8:48 p.m.: I don’t know about you, but I’m a sucker for montages! This is warming my cold, empty heart right now.
8:47 p.m.: George Clooney brought his woman tonight. You know it’s serious.
8:45 p.m.: For such a big anniversary as the 80th year, the show has had quite an underwhelming start. It better pick up. And honestly, the Oscars need to step it up tonight. Angelina Jolie owned them last night at the Independent Spirit Awards. I maintain it was to spite them for snubbing her.
8:44 p.m.: Oh, Babs. Factoid: That tie between Barbra Streisand and Katharine Hepburn is still the only tie in Academy history!
8:p.m.: Five-second speech! That’s how it’s done. I love you, Alexandra Byrne!
8:p.m.: Costume Design goes to Elizabeth: The Golden Age.
8:41 p.m.: Did anyone see that inexplicable hot mess between Jennifer Garner, Laura Linney and Gary Busey on the red carpet? I still have no words.
8:40 p.m. They say the writers’ strike is over… but you’d never know it with this monologue.
8:39 p.m.: Nine minutes it took to get to an Iraq joke. I think that’s a record.
8:38 p.m.: I see Diablo Cody sifted through her stripper-wear to dress for tonight.
8:37 p.m.: Jack Nicholson is SO toasted right now.
8:35 p.m. "Dorothy Hamill wedge-cut." Hey, I had that!
8:34 p.m.: Mrs. Daniel Day-Lewis (Rebecca Miller) is trying to rival Tilda Swinton for worst dressed of the night. Really, now. Your hubby is up for Best Actor and you wear crabs on your shoulders.
8:33 p.m.: Oh, Jon Stewart. Second time hosting… but I try to forget the first, only because Crash won Best Picture. Don’t get me started.
8:32 p.m.: Um, okay, what the hell was that?! Worst. Intro. Ever!
8:31 p.m.: Are we in a video game here?
8:30 p.m.: Here we go!
By Joyce Eng