11:12pm: So that’s it, television’s biggest night, or more like craziest. They really took "spread the wealth" to heart this year. Eight different shows won the acting awards and none of them took Series, but I have few complaints. Some of them proved voters do actually watch tapes (Gervais, shame he wasn’t there) while others were purely make-up wins, out of laziness (there’s always a repeat — Piven) or buzz. The show itself was completely random — the round, the musical numbers, the monologues by Romano and Black, the frequent absence of Ryan. Wait, that’s actually a good thing. Suffice it to say, he was completely useless tonight and I can’t watch The Tudors the same way again because of his schtick. This should’ve been called "Ryan’s Coming Out Party." Anyhow, ’til next year. Fade to black.

11:11pm:
Way to not mention Lorraine, Chase. Well, you did demote her once leading role to a supporting one…

11:09pm:
Third standing O of the night. No one looks like an ass and The Sopranos becomes the first drama to win the Emmy in its final season!

11:08pm:
And Drama Series goes to…The Sopranos.

11:07pm:
I said I won’t salivate over Helen anymore, so I won’t…

11:04pm:
"And our dozens and dozens of viewers!" I love you, Tina! Everyone, watch!

11:02pm:
Comedy Series goes to…30 Rock! Yay! Tina gets an Emmy!

11:01pm:
Someone please tell me how K-Ville is a "landmark" series. Because it takes place in post-Katrina New Orleans? So if I make a show that takes place in Homestead, Fl., site of Hurricane Andrew if your memory fails you, would that be considered "landmark" too?

10:59pm:
So now that James and Edie have both lost, I’m kind of hoping The Sopranos will lose Series. Is that sacreligious?

10:58pm:
ABC is have an awesome night if you’re keeping track. It swept all of the drama acting categories.

10:55pm:
Drama Actor goes to…James Spader. 3-for-3. Good God. This guy cannot lose. Told you to keep an eye out for him. He always has the most Emmy-baity tapes. Next year, Hugh, next year.

10:54pm:
Jimmy Smits. Remember when he died the longest death ever on NYPD Blue?

10:53pm:
There’s a lot of history with this win — America’s the first to win the trifecta (Globe, SAG, Emmy) in one season and is the youngest winner in the category at 23! I feel so unaccomplished.

10:52pm:
Comedy Actress goes to…America Ferrera!!

10:51pm:
When does Debra Messing not look good?

10:48pm:
I just want to add that I hate the absence of reaction shots from the other nominees. Those are the best part of seeing who wins.

10:46pm:
The Sopranos love has been lacking thusfar. Maybe my Hugh will win after all…

10:44pm:
In Memoriam montage. Get a Kleenex.

10:43pm:
Sally, you started off so well and then you go and have a brain fart. And poor Kyra. I’m starting to think she’ll never win for Brenda Lee Johnson.

10:42pm:
Oh, Sally, you’re such a mom.

10:41pm:
Drama Actress goes to…Sally Field. They like her, they really like her.

10:40pm:
Aww, Steve. You’ll get one soon.

10:39pm:
Comedy Actor goes to…Ricky Gervais! I’ll admit his tape was really good.

10:37pm:
I love these guys, but really no. This has gone on a minute and a half too long.

10:36pm:
"This baby runs on alternative fuels — Al Gore’s tears."

10:35pm:
Comedy Actor! Go Steve!!

10:33pm:
Now we know why The Apprentice wasn’t nominated (other than the fact that it, well, sucks) — they had to choose between Kanye’s big head and The Donald’s.

10:31pm:
I really hope TAR producers pull a Candice Bergen and remove themselves from consdieration in the future. It’s time for some new blood.

10:30pm:
Reality-Competition goes to The Amazing Race. Five-peat! Suck it, American Idol!

10:29pm:
And it only took 4 minutes — "I never win."

10:28pm:
Rainn Wilson is the man.

10:26pm:
I don’t think the Shrine can contain Kanye’s ego.

10:25pm:
Kanye time…

10:25pm:
Wayne Brady, I love you…especially as Barney’s brother on How I Met Your Mother.

10:24pm:
You know that’s from Ryan’s personal wardrobe.

10:23pm:
Good lord.

10:19pm:
Since Jamie Foxx eschewed the Emmys this year, I’ll do the honor of reminding you that The Kingdom comes out Sept. 28.

10:18pm:
Comedy Writing goes to…Greg Daniels for "Gay Witch Hunt." Told you three hours ago. I still don’t want Tina to go home empty-handed though. She’s out of Comedy Actress, so Comedy Series is her best hope now.

10:17pm:
Comedy Writing. Go Tina! (and Office!)

10:16pm:
He has a lisp!! Cute!

10:15pm:
And there you go! Richard Shepard wins Comedy Directing for Ugly Betty.

10:14pm:
Ugly Betty is so winning this.

10:13pm:
Elaine needs to host the Emmys, like, right now.

10:12pm:
I friggin’ love Elaine Stritch. She totally stole the show at the 2004 Emmys.

10:11pm:
Teri Hatcher and Anthony Anderson. Random!

10:09pm:
Individual Variety Performance goes to…Tony Bennett. Duh. I feel bad for Colbert though.

10:08pm:
Joely Fisher: "Do you like my dress?" Brad Garrett: "You should see it from up here…You’re on Charlie Sheen’s to-do list." This beats the normal, trite banter by miles.

10:05pm:
Second standing O for Al Gore and Current TV, winning Interactive Television. He can place the Emmy next to that Oscar…oh, wait, he didn’t get to take one home for An Inconvenient Truth (only director Davis Guggenheim did).

10:03pm:
Masi! I love nerds. Way to stereotype Asians. Thanks, guys.

9:59pm:
So Kanye is up next. What do you think he’s gonna bitch about? The Roots cast? Queen Latifah losing?

9:58pm:
M/M Writing goes to…Frank Deasy for Prime Suspect…and more Helen. Okay, I promise to stop salivating over her now.

9:57pm:
Red is definitely the color of the night…

9:56pm:
M/M Director goes to…Philip Martin for Prime Suspect 7. A little more Helen for us!

9:55pm:
Ryan just called a guy (Danny Pino) hot. Finally.

9:53pm:
Lewis Black, you’re hilarious, but feel free to shut up now. We’ve already wasted enough time.

9:50pm:
And there you go, Helen is your M/M Actress. I love my cougars. Check out that bod.

9:49pm:
Sally Field is a hot 60-year-old. This is SO Helen’s…

9:46pm:
That whole thing was kind of awkward. Now watch The Sopranos lose Drama. I love when people look like asses.

9:45pm:
Jamie-Lynn DiScala, er, Sigler looks like she’s wearing her nightie…and I’m totally having flashbacks of her 13-second long music career now. "Cry Baby," anyone? No? Just me? Okay…

9:44pm:
First standing O of the night goes to Tony & Co.

9:43pm:
And this whole thing was completely pointless and unnecessary.

9:41pm:
Is it bad that I’m totally thinking of Heath Ledger crooning this in 10 Things I Hate About You as these guys are singing "Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You"?

9:40pm:
So who else thinks they sound like a cross between the Chipmunks and Kerri Strug?

9:39pm:
Joe Mantegna has a crooked mouth.

9:37pm:
Say it together now! Made for TV Movie goes to…Bury My Heart at Wouned Knee.

9:36pm:
Girl power speech from Mary-Louise Parker, Glenn Close and Kyra Sedgwick, who looks like she’s wearing a lampshade.

9:32pm:
I love The Sopranos, but I’m anticipating Kanye’s thingamajig with Rainn Wilson more than this Jersey Boys homage. I still hold out hope for "D*ck in a Box." Word was JT and Andy were upset they would be censored, which is stupid since they were censored in late-night too. But if they really want to get around it, they could sing about another kind of Dick…Cheney, perhaps? And on FOX nonetheless. Wouldn’t that be great? Someone should consult me for ideas.

9:30pm:
This is your pee break. Go!

9:29pm:
Supporting M/M Actress goes to…Judy Davis. Shocking! ATAS loves her.

9:28pm:
Mark Harmon needs to grow out his penis-haircut.

9:27pm:
Ryan resurfaces…

9:25pm:
Variety Special goes to…Tony Bennett. For an 81-year-old, he’s still got it.

9:24pm:
"What a great show this part of the audience has seen tonight." Word, Jon. How awkward was it that David Chase couldn’t even face The Sopranos crew during his speech?

9:22pm:
Variety Series goes to…Daily Show. Okay, now Jon and Stephen have to present Steve his Emmy.

9:21pm:
"A great en-semble." Oh, Steve. You slay me.

9:20pm:
Raise your hand if you’re not going to watch K-Ville.

9:18pm:
By the way, don’t you love how Ryan is never on?

9:15pm:
And it’s David Chase for "Made in America."

9:14pm:
Drama Writing, the mob’s got this…

9:13pm:
And this is The Sopranos’ first Directing Emmy. Crazy, no?

9:12pm:
Drama Directing goes to…Alan Taylor for The Sopranos.

9:11pm:
Leslie Caron needs some barrettes. And I guess John Goodman’s too busy for the Emmys. I think he’s still pissed they waited this long to award him. Yeah, if you don’t know, Guest Actor Drama was his first Emmy!

9:09pm:
I don’t know if you’re aware, but Hayden Panettiere is now 18.

9:07pm:
Broken Trail wins the…envelope (?) for Miniseries.

9:04pm:
Queen, stop looking up.

9:02pm:
So here’s a question. Say 15 years ago, would you ever would’ve pegged Queen Latifah as a Grammy winner and Oscar and Emmy nominee?

9:01pm:
Okay, I am happy to report, on second viewing, that Sally does NOT kick one Robert Duvall. It just looked like she did.

8:58pm:
Oh, no he didn’t! Ryan did not just go there with ‘Nessa Hudgens.

8:57pm:
Um, did Sally Field just kick Robert?

8:56pm:
Lead Actor M/M goes to Robert Duvall. Shocker. Not.

8:55pm:
Ali Larter and Kate Walsh are workin’ the red.

8:54pm:
Variety Directing goes to Rob Marshall for Tony Bennett: An American Classic. I still wish she won that Oscar for Chicago.

8:53pm:
Alec Baldwin is here to serve you.

8:51pm:
You gotta give the girl props for hiding that belly so well. But Christina, ease up on the hairspray. Eeek.

8:50pm:
Christina Aguilera — "Best female voices of her generation." Hear that, Britney?

8:46pm:
Forty-five minutes in and I’m going to give a thumbs-down to the theater-in-a-round. Why? No matter where you’re looking, there are always people behind you staring at your ass.

8:45pm:
I love Jon Stewart, but I’m glad he didn’t win again. This may be a good sign for Stephen Colbert later.

8:44pm:
Conan!!! Finally!

8:42pm:
I love the way the variety series writers are presented. 2002 was my fave year of those montages. I dare you to find that one and watch it.

8:41pm:
Jennifer Love Hewitt always presents. It’s as close as she’ll ever get to an Emmy.

8:40pm:
I wonder what Isaiah Washington is thinking now.

8:39pm:
Supporting Drama Actress is Katherine, who I’ll forever love for saying "s***" into the camera. Tape was good, but you have to be an idiot not to think Knocked Up didn’t have a thing to do with it.

8:38pm:
Lorraine! I would love for you to win for Dr. Melfi! Now watch all the Grey’s and Sorpanos ladies split and Rachel win.

8:37pm:
Why is Eva in the Entourage?

8:35pm:
Montages! Okay, for those of you who don’t know me (and really, why would you since this is only the second time I’m doing this?), I LOVE montages. Like, I live for them, especially ones with music scores over them…which this one is not, but I’ll take what I can get. If you want to get on my good side, show me a montage.

8:34pm:
Jerry O’Connell is cracking up.

8:33pm:
Ellen, I love you.

8:30pm:
With all these "make-up" wins so far (okay, 2), things are looking good for Hugh Laurie, Steve Carell and Rachel Griffiths…

8:28pm:
And THC is either drunk or high…or both.

8:28pm:
Sandra Oh should win Supporting Drama so she and THC can have matching Sideways Emmys.

8:27pm:
And it is!

8:27pm:
Supporting M/M Actor should be Thomas Haden Church.

8:26pm: Classic big-mouth Katherine to correct her. "It’s High-gull."

8:26pm:
Way to mispronounce her name, announcer-lady.

8:25pm:
Okay, now that I’m over the shock, I’ll first say Jamie looks really old in that dress and this is totally a make-up win for last year. Her tape sucked this year.

8:23pm:
Supporting Comedy Actress goes to…Jaime Pressly. WTF?!

8:22pm:
Julia and Tina. Bliss.

8:20pm:
So Supporting Comedy Actress is next. I want Jenna Fischer to win (and she has a great chance), but I don’t want her accepting that thing she’s wearing.

8:18pm:
Anyone else think T.R. Knight looked a little disappointed?

8:16pm:
And it goes to Terry O’Quinn (in pink!)! Pleasant surprise because he should’ve totally won two years ago! Just glad William Shatner won’t rub the trophy in our faces again.

8:15pm:
Supporting Drama Actor…I am torn between Imperioli and Knight.

8:14pm:
And Jeremy looks like he just went on a weeklong fishing trip in his suit.

8:14pm:
I am slightly disappointed Kevin Dillon didn’t win because I would love for him to scream "VICTORY!"

8:13pm:
And Supporting Comedy Actor goes to…Jeremy! Told you.

8:12pm:
Finally. Here we go. I personally am pulling for Neil Patrick Harris, but I could see the Piv repeating.

8:11pm:
So…is Ray hosting now? I really wouldn’t mind that.

8:10pm: Thanks, guys, for effin’ up the camerawork.

8:08pm:
Ray. Yes, an actual comedian.

8:07pm:
Kevin Connolly is so totally sitting in a booster seat. He is level with Adrian Grenier.

8:06pm:
"Hello, Teri." Thanks for that, Ryan.

8:05pm:
Ryan is trying waaaaaaaaaaaay too hard. I miss Conan.

8:04pm:
"The results show." Close enough.

8:03pm:
So, uh, was the fade-to-black THAT funny? ‘Cause, you know, we haven’t beaten that to death already.

8:02pm:
Charlie Sheen is owning that "I just had sex in the limo" hair.

8:01pm:
Jeremy Piven is not amused.

8:00pm:
Brian and Stewie paying tribute to the year in TV…

7:59pm:
Okay, Ryan. Do something funny here…

7:56pm:
Oh, and you know who we can blame for Ryan getting the coveted hosting gig — Judd Apatow for making him tolerably funny for about 90 seconds.

7:55pm:
Five minutes to go. I hope all of your predictions are in. Anyone want to bet we’ll hear Ryan say, "The results are in!"?

7:53pm:
Mariska! She’s another one on my list, by the way. Did you know she’s the first Law & Order regular (from all the shows) to win an Emmy?

7:52pm:
Heidi Klum’s dress is gorgeous, but something about her face is…off?

7:50pm:
Some Emmy trivia for you — Patricia Heaton is the last person to repeat in Comedy Actress, which she did in 2000-01. Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a great shot to do it this year with the only traditional sitcom in the running.

7:49pm:
Camille Grammer looks like a mermaid.

7:46pm:
Ellen Pompeo looks like she just flew in from Neptune.

7:43pm:
I see Katherine Heigl picked out "Hooker Red" for her lips.

7:40pm:
I love Rachel Griffiths, but I will never forgive her for naming her son Banjo.

7:38pm:
I want to say Tina Fey’s Amex commercial is cute and she must win one of her three nods tonight. Her best bet is Comedy Writing for "Tracy Does Conan," although The Office’s "Gay Witch Hunt" could take it too.

7:37pm:
And she’s so winning tonight (for Prime Suspect 7). It’s the Year of the Mirren after all.

7:36pm:
Helen Mirren looks fab, but when has she not?! I would totally do her. Yes, she’s on my list. E-mail me if you want to see who else is on it.

7:34pm:
Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are reportedly presenting Comedy Actor together…which could bode well for Daily Show alum Steve Carell!

7:33pm:
Anyone else loving FOX letting everyone know Eva has never been nominated for an Emmy? And she probably never will be.

7:31pm:
Edie Falco looks adorable.

7:30pm:
By the way, Hayden Panetierre looks pregnant…and going to the prom.

7:27pm:
Hugh! Have my babies!! Oh, how this god among insects needs an Emmy. But I’m not delusional. I can be objective, I don’t think tonight is his night, but I’d love to be proven wrong.

7:25pm:
Marcia Cross needs the top of her dress pulled in.

7:20pm:
So I guess Ryan has relinquished the pre-show mic and moved on with his plan of world domination — moving indoors to prep for the big show. I’m still livid FOX decided to go with him as host because Ryan "appeals to a broad audience" on American Idol. I love that FOX thinks people watch American Idol BECAUSE of Ryan Seacrest. Fools.

7:17pm:
Nice to see Tony wants to spread the love. Three is more than enough for Monk, but Emmy voters are obsessed with him, so much so that Stanley Tucci won for playing Tony Shalhoub as Monk in Guest Actor in a Comedy. Let’s hope that’s not foreshadowing tonight.

7:14pm:
For all the talk that it’s 130 degrees in L.A., Steve Carell is suprisingly un-sweaty. For Emmy-holics as myself, we all remember last year when he perspired profusely as his category was announced.

7:12pm:
Julia Louis-Dreyfus looks amazing in purple, but that right boob looks a little trapped.

7:11pm:
Rebecca O’Romijn’s hair is cute. Her dress is not.

7:09pm:
And we get a shot of the theater-in-the-round stage…which is either going to be a great idea or a complete disaster. Call me old-fashioned, but I liked the standard stage. This is too Grammy/American Idol-esque for me, but then again this Emmys seems like a tribute to the Grammys with Kanye, Tony Bennett, Christina Aguilera and the Jersey Boys performing.

7:07pm:
Felicity Huffman’s clavicle is scaring me, but mama looks hot! It’s a shame she’s not winning.

7:06pm:
It’s America’s world, people. We’re just living in it. I’m not feeling the hair, but the blue is gorgeous.

7:05pm:
Denis Leary supports James G. I love defeatist attitudes, but you can’t blame the guy.

7:02pm:
What died on Kate Walsh’s head?

7:01 pm:
I’ve been watching the pre-show on E!, but now I feel the urge to switch to FOX because I can only take so much Ryan Seacrest for so long. Oh wait, he’s hosting tonight. Darn.

7:oo pm: OK, here we go (no pun intended). One hour ’til the big show. Who else is excited?! For those of you who don’t know me, award season is my religion and the Emmys, Globes and Oscars are my Holy Trinity, so don’t mess.

By Joyce Eng

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