VMAs — Up To the Minute Coverage

11:08pm: I really hope Justin disses MTV reality shows (read: MTV) again when he's done performing.

11:04pm: Timba, Justin and Nelly are closing...with feathers...Showgirls?

11:00pm: Forget the show. I wanna know more about this Kid decking Tommy. They should've aired that instead of all this filler. Now that's good television.

10:59pm: Rihanna double. I still haven't seen this video.

10:58pm: Video of the Year goes to...

10:57pm: Dre's the only sober one there. You'd think with all the superlatives Mary spewed, they'd be giving the guy something.

10:53pm: Here's Hayden's "Neutrodrena" commercial. Jen G.'s a "Neutrodrena" gal too. Remember the days when it was Jennifer Love Hewitt? Good times.

10:50pm: I'm starting to think Miss S.C. plotted out this whole thing from the beginning -- she'll f-up her answer, become a YouTube celeb, and go to the VMAs! She's buying an extra 15 minutes of fame than whoever won did.

10:49pm: Miss South Carolina can't read either.

10:48pm: Now wasn't that an eloquent acceptance speech?

10:47pm: Gym Class...Fall Out. I love you, Jen!

10:46pm: Best New Artist goes to...

10:44pm: Jennifer Garner, best dressed of the night. For once, Jamie and I agree on something -- girl is beautiful. And Tommy Lee vs. Kid Rock?!

10:39pm: Alicia may have saved the night for MTV. We'll know in about 20 minutes. Yeah, in case you're not aware, the show's only two hours now. Remember when it was three-plus? But since there are no real categories or full performances, I suppose the truncated broadcast is the right thing to do and one right decision MTV has made about this show. One hour of my life I will have back.

10:37pm: How many keyboards/pianos does the girl need?

10:35pm: Love the guy trying to take a pic of Alicia at the table. He looks almost scared whatever's on her head is gonna fall on him.

10:31pm: Props to the girl for actually singing (for the most part).

10:30pm: Rihanna's jumping on a bed in heels. What about that busted toe?

10:25pm: Fall-Out Boy. No surprise. Where's Ashlee?

10:24pm: Best Group goes to...

10:23pm: I love that MTV advertised it as if the whole Entourage cast will present when it's just Adrian Grenier and Kevin Connolly.

10:21pm: Really, this was supposed to be something we haven't seen before?! The rave lights, maybe, but I've heard Chester grunt and Timbaland tell me to bounce numerous times before.

10:18pm: Timbaland and LP...some of these guys should shave.

10:12pm: I'll amend my statement about the production a smidge -- it looks like it'd be fun being there, living the suite life. But on TV, it's a victim of chaos. How are we supposed to enjoy anything if you don't show the whole performance?!

10:09pm: Fergie! Gosh, I love you, MTV.

10:08pm: Female Artist of the Year goes to...

10:07pm: Did I not say Shia would present Female Artist of the Year?!

10:06pm: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, huh?

10:04pm: 50 and JT (who's totally wasted) are tired of technology. No wonder, they were just cut off.

10:00pm: I love that Justin egged MTV to play more videos again when he was just presented an award by MTV "reality show" stars. Classic.

9:59pm: An Emmy and two Moon Men so far for JT. Good weekend for him. And just for those keeping tally. Justin's Moon Man total: 12 (5 solo, 7 with 'N Sync). Britney: 0.

9:58pm: Justin. Duh #2.

9:57pm: Male Artist of the Year goes to...

9:56pm: Lauren's got some people on her side. According to an audience insider, "While The Hills girls were onstage, a couple of guys yelled 'Spencer sucks!' Made a lot of people in the audience laugh, as it was clearly audible for most in here."

9:55pm: LC's dress is very similar to Jen Garner's, except Jen's is better.

9:53pm: So I haven't watched Life of Ryan at all, but I'm happy to see puberty has caught up to Sheckler. Still, he'll always be a scrawny 13-year-old to me.

9:51pm: Fred Claus. Yes! Who else is excited?

9:50pm: Hayden just said "Neutrodrena."

9:49pm: Lip-synching notwithstanding, that's what a performance looks like, Britney.

9:48pm: Chris is grabbing is junk pretty hard there...

9:46pm: It's about to rain...

9:45pm: Everyone's getting a free lapdance now...wall 2 wall

9:44pm: Chris Brown is a...toy? This reminds me of 'N Sync's "It's Gonna Be Me" video, which, I'll admit is my favorite 'N Sync song.

9:42pm: We can vote for our favorite moments?! Britney's trainwreck is sure to take the cake!

9:36pm: That gold dress (toga?) Beyonce's wearing is not doing her body justice to say the least.

9:35pm: Beyonce and Shakira! Shocker, but not really. They had to toss B a bone here for that booty twerking. Anyone else surprised Rihanna and Jay weren't nominated?

9:34pm: Most Earthshattering Collaboration goes to...

9:33pm: 50 and Kanye 2Gether 4Ever!

9:26pm: I'm really not feeling their multi-location "set," if you can even call it that. The dispersed parties and half-broadcasted performances are poorly organized and frenetic. Go back to Radio City Music Hall! I'm not going to lie, once the VMAs left NYC in 2004, I stopped watching. (Plus, they've really gone downhill over the years -- 1999 was their peak, which was eight years ago today -- 9/9/99). Nothing can top their NYC days, not even the LA ones. And now Vegas and this dizzying set-up?! They rolled their dice and it ain't good.

9:25pm: "I want to challenge MTV right now to play more videos." Right on.

9:24pm: Justin...who's apparently really excited that he won...or that Britney bombed.

9:23pm: Quadruple Threat of the Year goes to...

9:22pm: J.Hud is a tall girl.

9:21pm: Go vote for Best New Artist.

9:15pm: Okay, now I feel the urge to bitch about these new categories. Monster Single of the Year? Quadruple Threat? Most Earthshattering Collaboration? Are we at the Teen Choice Awards? Remember the good ol' days when they actually rewarded VIDEOS, like the name of the show would suggest? Best Pop Video? Best Rock Video? Best R&B Video? Categories that were actually relevant? Now they can't even give out Best Male or Female Video. Go figure.

9:14pm: Jeez, MTV. Splurged so much on this shindig that you can't even afford a podium?!

9:13pm: Rihanna feat. Jay-Z "Umbrella." Duh.

9:12pm: First award -- Monster Single of the Year goes to...

9:11pm: Someone fix Pete Wentz' mic. And get Alicia off the stage. She doesn't need to be subjected to hosting duties.

9:08pm: I see MTV's trying to copy the Golden Globes-style seating...and yet no comestibles. Guess everyone's already drunk.

9:06pm: Sarah Silverman on Brit: "At 25, she's already accomplished everything she's going to accomplish." Truer words were never spoken?

9:04pm: So...that was her comeback, eh? Yeah, I'm going to say no. Totally half-assed...uninspired dancing, completely off on her lip-synching. Gotta love 50's face during it. And what happened to all that Criss Angel crap?

9:02pm: Is it just me or does she sound like a cat begging for food during the chorus?

9:01pm: Blue contacts and...underwear?? Give her more clothes.

9:00pm: It IS Britney, bitch.

8:59pm: "Put all our chips into our pot." Really, John? Here we go...

8:58pm: Chester from Linkin Park looks positively robotic.

8:53pm: Now that the pre-show, excuse me, Pre-Show Royale, is almost through, I think the general consensus is that they need to get the hell out of a casino for future Vegas VMAs. The setting is all too claustrophobic and distracting.

8:52pm: Pharrell is tops in my book for totally disregarding the Britney question.

8:50pm: Oh, Sway. Doesn't even go for an euphemism -- "We haven't seen you since you were locked up."

8:46pm: Paris has added about 13 years onto her life with that '50s mom hairdo.

8:45pm: Jennifer Garner's been looking unbelievably hot lately. No?

8:42pm: Okay, who isn't looking forward to seeing Britney? Anyone?

8:41pm: Jennifer Hudson got her teeth fixed. Perhaps by the same guy who did Elliott Yamin's?

8:36pm: I think I enjoyed Lil' Wayne more. Nicole should go back to PCD.

8:34pm: Can she at least try to lip-synch?

8:32pm: Nicole Scherzinger is in a box...crawling.

8:30pm: 50's having a little trouble speaking...

8:24pm: Jennifer Garner looks like she's about to cry. Can't say I blame her. She's standing next to Jamie Foxx.

8:23pm: Party gal Hayden Panettiere is there. Surprise, surprise.

8:20pm: "Real Hip-Hop," according to Mary J. Blige, is 50 Cent vs. Kanye West.

8:19pm: MTV keeps reminding us the show is "one-night only"...so why do I see that it's repeating right afterwards tonight?

8:18pm: I totally forgot Best New Artist was fan voted. I want to change my prediction to Gym Class Heroes now. Although really, they should've just kept Viewer's Choice. Don't even get me started on the nominees and categories...but I may feel the urge to bitch about it later.

8:15pm: The newly engaged (and slightly drunk?) Nelly Furtado sounds a little desperate for a Moon Man.

8:13pm: Alicia Keys is bound in leather.

8:12pm: Someone please put Lil' Mama back in her crib. What the hell is she wearing? I've never been more freaked out by an adult-baby than that episode of King of Queens when Doug was a giant tot.

8:09pm: Iron Man looks mighty interesting. I would've never pictured Robert Downey Jr. as a superhero.

8:07pm: John Norris looks like a poor man's Billy Joe Armstrong.

8:06pm: Sway just goes there with the Shia Q. Balls. But now watch the guy present, like, Female Artist of the Year to her.

8:04pm: Rihanna's rocking hot pink, but no heels -- she busted a toe.

8:01pm: And we're on...Megan Fox, who says she's never gambled (believe her?) is wearing the brightest shade of red lipstick known to man.

7:55pm: It's time to get down to business. Well, almost. We still got these five minutes of The Hills to get through (someone tell me why I'm watching this) before we're treated to a casino red carpet. Sweet.

7:43pm: Brody Jenner tells OK! he thinks Nicole Richie is going to do a fantastic job as a mom. He's wearing a Dior suit that he just picked up at the mall the other day.

6:58pm: Nicole Scherzinger from the Pussycat Dolls is the first celeb to stroll the red carpet.

By Joyce Eng