Sarah Shahi Says 'Pain Is Our Greatest Teacher' After Dishing on Divorce and Adam Demos Breakup in New Memoir: 'It Was Time to Put It All in One Place'

Sarah Shahi is putting it all out there in her new book, Life is Lifey: The A to Z's on Navigating Life's Messy Middle, which was released on January 27.

"When I did [the Netflix show] S--/Life, similar to many women, I felt overworked. I was overburdened with responsibilities at home and working, and self-care for me was just 10 minutes a night. When I got the show, the character I was playing had the guts to question all the things that I was silently questioning for years," the actress, 46, exclusively told OK! during the New York City stop on her book tour. "She was a buzz in my veins that I just couldn't escape. Through playing Billie Connelly, I got the guts to sort of go after the life I always wanted and dreamed of for myself. When the show came out, my life was out there, and women from all over the world wrote to me and said, 'How did you do it?' I felt like it was time to put it all in one place."

The brunette beauty was previously married to Steve Howey for 11 years. The two, who share three children, finalized their divorce in January 2021. She moved on with her S--/Life costar Adam Demos, but they split in April 2025 after five years of dating.

Despite the heartbreak, the Paradise star is happy. "I refuse to believe that my pain is in vain. I feel like pain is our greatest teacher," she shared. "Once I finally dove into my pain and saw what it was trying to teach me, I had the courage to approach my fear and be able to change my life so drastically — that's when I realized that everything I ever wanted was just on the other side of fear. As hard as it is, you have to be brave enough to listen to that little voice inside you that's pushing you to be more, because you are."

For the first time in her life, the mom-of-three is single — and it's been "fun," she said. "Not always fun [laughs], but it's been interesting to explore myself without an attachment to a man, and to be able to explore my femininity, my natural day-to-day sensuality and how I approach life, how I approach a coffee order, how I approach anything."

"I guess what I would say is there's no right way to be — that's also what I preach in my book. There's no such thing as perfection. You have your on days, you have off days, and there are some days where everything is going your way, and then there are days where everything sucks. You have to approach it with authenticity and not shrink away from the 'bad stuff.' Just get to know yourself — the good, the bad and the ugly because it's all there for a reason, and it's all beautiful."

"I went through a breakup last year. I am product of that, which I preach," she added. "But at the same time, I put a book out there where every word is personal to me; everything is so sacred and so personal."

While writing, Shahi was ready to let it all out. "I want people to know my life. Playing a character on S--/Life, a character who was very vocal about her sexual empowerment and female sexuality, was a big part of the show. It just made me realize how much we don't talk about this stuff. I want to be part of the changing narrative!" she stated. "The amount of women who wrote to me after S--/Life, and they were like, 'I never told my partner what I like, or I've never had an o-----.' Women's sexuality has been taboo for so long. I wanted to help rewrite that narrative."

After the series came out in 2021 and ran for two seasons, Shahi became the "poster child for an unhappily married woman."

"It definitely put me on a different level," she said. "When I did the show, as an actor, you never go into a job anticipating the result, so you just go into things ... I went into it because it was a character I really related to and a story I wanted to be part of. I wanted to tell the truth, but the fact that it blew up the way it did was the cherry on top. I wasn't expecting it! I hadn't worked in two years prior to that job because I was trying to redefine myself in the industry, and so it was everything. My dreams came true and more!"

Despite being in her forties, Shahi is more successful now than when she was starting out. "It's encouraging," she exclaimed. "I don't buy those old narratives that a woman's career is a sprint. I just don't subscribe to that because for me, things have just gotten better. I'm also in a place where I'm writing more, and I'm creating my own things. I'm an actor and artist, and I don't need to wait for the phone to ring in order to act or create something, so taking matters into my own hands has been really rewarding."

As for what the future holds, the sky is the limit.

"I just got back from London, where I reprised Zahra Bankston in Red, White & Royal Wedding, and she's such a shot in the arm character. It's so much fun to play her; she's comedic and fun," she noted. "I'm really open. I would love to do a musical, I would love to do a period place, a western, maybe a horror western. I am really open, and I love to be part of beautiful storytelling. Whatever happens, I'm open!"

Shahi's book is now out.