It wasn’t really until she found out that she had to receive spinal surgery when Stacy realized that she was running low on money. “I found out I was going broke,” she revealed.
“Although I was financially secure at the time, I was untethered to a job and had been since the year before, when Love, Lust or Run ended, she revealed.
At the time, she was still optimistic, as she was told that recovery would take six weeks. “I thought, I can handle six weeks,” she wrote.
But what she didn’t know was how much of a toll the surgery would take on her. “The time in the hospital alone included some of the most agonizing moments I’ve ever had: There was the pain from the operation itself, the extreme nausea from the painkillers, and, lest I forget, the warm prune juice I drank to help me poop.”
“Going in, I didn’t know I would be on such heavy medication even after I left the hospital, or that I wouldn’t remember when I had last eaten or had water or who might have come to visit me. I had different nurses, but they were a blur of faces I wrote checks to in amounts I can’t recall either," she continued,
The 48-year-old was at her lowest point. She wrote, “I realized I wasn’t just untethered from a job, I was untethered from a purpose. I had nothing to hold on to. And, honestly, I just wasn’t thinking about my finances. In fact, I would have thrown money at anything — material or procedural — to make the recovery process easier.”
Then she suffered bouts of paranoia, revealing, “I didn’t want to go outside because my anxiety of slipping or someone bumping into me was too much to bear. I was so anxious it was impossible to sleep; I’d have uncontrollable fits of crying. I didn’t feel sad exactly, I just felt sick. Like something was eating me alive. As it turns out, what I had been feeling was clinical depression.”
And she went through a rough split from her boyfriend, followed by a flood in her apartment. “I had to move with [my dog] Dora to my parents' house (another kind of humiliation in and of itself), while whole floors in my home were torn up and walls were cut open from top to bottom at no small expense. I started to feel like everything about me and about my life was being unceremoniously dismantled, one floorboard at a time.”
To top that off, her good friend passed away. “A dear friend from college, whom I dated and lived with for almost three years and had loved very much, had taken his own life the day before. I have never known that particular feeling: a mixture of loss and shock and sadness and pain and anger and emptiness.”
But despite it all, Stacy has been trying to remain positive about what’s to come. “There is a new year ahead of me….. A lot broke last year. And from all that brokenness, there is no other choice but to affirm life.”
What do you think of Stacy's heartbreaking confessions about last year? Let us know in the comment section!