There’s this new documentary out, called Drive Angry 3D. No doubt recorded with a system of hidden cameras, surveillance film and superbly drawn animation by eyewitnesses, it tells you exactly what it’s like to be Nicolas Cage for 104 minutes.
As you’d expect, much gunfire, sex, gunfire during sex and catchphrases spoken during sexy gunfire are included. And it’s all in 3D, which may sound cool but is actually a flaw because Nicolas Cage experiences everything in approximately 8D.
Amber Heard is around, because it is written that wherever danger and sexy shorts are, there Amber shall be. Don’t be grossed out that Heard is about half the age of Nicolas Cage, because they’re not romantically linked. While it may sound like an oxymoron to say that Cage and any other woman on the planet are not romantically linked, take it from me that it’s the truth. The only explanation for this anomaly is that the animal attraction between Heard and Nicolas Cage is so overwhelmingly strong that it inverts into a supernova that results in them just being cool crime-fighting teammates. Sort of like Batman and Robin, only without as much sexual tension.
For the entire movie, Heard and Nicolas Cage do nothing but kill, race and kill some more. To ask why they are doing this is as unnecessary as to ask why Rocky swallows egg yolks or where all the Kardashians come from. And even though it is unnecessary to ask, these questions all share the same one-word, all-caps answer: BECAUSE.
Nicolas Cage has many enemies in the movie, two of which survive long enough to not have their knees immediately shot off or to be impaled onto walls. These enemies are a cult leader played by Billy Burke and an accountant played by William Fichtner. To say Burke and Fichtner are Nicolas Cage’s enemies is as laughable as to say an ant is the enemy of a factory of Raid, but you just have to suspend disbelief for a while and go with it, knowing in the back of your head that if Nicolas Cage decided not to toy with them, the movie would last only a few seconds. Nicolas Cage is nothing if not a sportsman, and wants to put on a good show for all the kids in the room.
To judge a Nicolas Cage movie is presumptuous enough of an offense to be blasted in the face by Nicolas Cage’s Close-Up Gun (so named because whenever it’s shown, it’s always in close up), so I will not do so. But before I depart I must applaud the 3D in the movie. While thoroughly 5Ds short of the awesomeness of Nicolas Cage 8D, what Ds are there are D-lightful. Nary a scene goes by without some object, person or bodily fluid launching out at you and threatening to dive straight into your corneas, which is as it should be. For the life of Nicolas Cage involves much ducking, dodging and cornea damage, as well as 8D shootout sex with everyone but Amber Heard.
Starring Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner and Billy Burke. Written by Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier. Directed by Lussier. 104 minutes. Rated R.