Alec Baldwin Didn't Want to 'Wake Up' After Fatal 'Rust' Shooting and PTSD Diagnosis: 'Why Couldn't It Be Me?'

Alec Baldwin's life will never be the same after he accidentally fired a gun that killed cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of Rust in 2021.

During the premiere of his family's reality television series, The Baldwins, the famed actor and his wife, Hilaria Baldwin, reflected on the aftermath of Hutchins' death — Alec being charged with involuntary manslaughter, having the case dismissed and the poor mental health the dad-of-eight suffered as a result of the shooting.

"This has been just surreal," Alec told Hilaria in the show's first episode, which debuts on TLC on Sunday, February 23. "I mean, I can't even believe that we're going through this, and I always feel more in pain about you than me, because I think to myself, well, you know, I'm going to try to my best to just get through it, and I think what it's done to you and how much it's hurt you and everything."

Speaking in a confessional, per People, Alec added: "This past year was just terrible. There were times I'd lay in bed. I'd go, ‘Wow, my kids. I can't get up.’ That's not like me. I'm not like that at all, not in any way am I like that. Never."

"You wake up in the morning and you're like, 'Oh god, why did I wake up?'" she told Alec, as he admitted: "I said, ‘I'm happier when I'm asleep than when I'm awake.'"

Fortunately, Hilaria and Alec's seven shared kids — daughters Ilaria Catalina Irena, 2, María Lucía Victoria, 3, Carmen Gabriela, 11, and sons Eduardo "Edu" Pao Lucas, 4, Romeo Alejandro David, 6, Leonardo Ángel Charles, 7, and Rafael Thomas, 9 — have helped keep their family grounded throughout this hard time.

"I look at the kids, and I see how hard we're trying to create happy for them, even if we're masking stuff for ourselves," the fitness instructor explained. "I know that what we're going through is maybe unique, but every family goes through hard times, and that's something that we can feel a community of support, knowing that the best that we can do is do our best and try to make our kids happy, and so that's what we're doing."

Agreeing with Hilaria, Alec confessed: "Honestly, from the bottom of my soul, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you and these kids going through this. I never would have made it with this. Sometimes I'd say, ‘Why did I have seven kids? Why do we have seven kids?’ And I realize, to help carry me and you through this situation."

Some of couple's children slightly understand what had happened to their father, with Hilaria detailing, "They've had some really unfortunate realizations about things that are going on."

She continued: "Life will forever be different. Halyna lost her life in the most unthinkable tragedy, a son lost his mom. We are going to feel and carry this pain forever. This will be a part of our family story."