Singer Machine Gun Kelly revealed that he has been going to therapy as he detailed his past drug use.
"I’ve been jumping up and down on the table, believing in myself, for-f**king-ever," he told Interview magazine and is now "taking steps" to take care of himself.
"Currently, my drug of choice is happiness and commitment to the art, rather than commitment to a vice that I believed made the art," Kelly said. "I had my first therapy session … That’s the first time I ever went, 'Hey, I need to separate these two people,' which is Machine Gun Kelly and (my real name) Colson Baker. The dichotomy is too intense for me."
As the 30-year-old has been Machine Gun Kelly since he was 15, he finds it hard to separate the two identities. "When you grow up and that’s the only name you have, you embody that person," he explained.
Kelly used to take Adderall but is sober now. "And I went from orally taking it to then snorting it, and then it became something where I was scared to ever go into a studio if I didn’t have something," Kelly admitted. "I wouldn’t even step out unless there was a medicine man who was going to visit me and give me what I needed."
He realized that the drug wasn’t why he was creative because "if that pill did that for you, then everyone who’s taken that would just be making albums and writing songs. And so that limited me."
While Kelly has been doing well, therapy has not been straightforward. "The tools that I’ve been given to start with seem helpful, I think," he said. "I’m still kind of ripping my hair out: 'Why am I not changing overnight? How am I supposed to meditate for 10 minutes when I can’t even sit in my own brain for two minutes without distracting myself by doing something?' That’s really hard. But the commitment to change is inspiring, and I think will reverberate through the universe and definitely through my family."
The "Let You Go" singer credited girlfriend Megan Fox for getting him through the hard times. "When you have a partner sitting there with you on those dark nights when you’re sweating and not being able to figure out why you’re so in your head, to help you get out of your head and put it in perspective, that really, really helps."
Fox and Kelly went public with their relationship over the summer, and the actress even made an appearance in his "Bloody Valentine" music video.
Kelly also thanked Blink-182 drummer, Travis Barker, who inspired him to seek help. He explained that Barker "has been huge in the process of grounding me, because he’s lived it … It’s much different than a priest or something, where I’m like, 'How can you relate to me…?' With Travis, it’s like, 'I know for a fact that you went through what I’m going through.'"
In the meantime, Kelly plans to release another album next year.