Ever wonder if your housecleaner snoops through your private things? Digs up your dirty laundry (in more ways than one)? Secretly judges you?
The answer is yes, yes and yes… and Vox has the whole scoop on housekeeping spies. Stephanie Land, who cleaned houses for two years to make ends meet as a student and single mom, revealed to the outlet all the gnarly stuff she came across in the big, beautiful mansions she was hired to keep sparkling — and most of it was right under her nose as she did routine sanitizing.
Keep reading to find out her craziest, most embarrassing discoveries!
1. Drugs. Lots of Drugs. Unexpected Drugs!
“I checked how many pills they’d taken in two weeks and learned which prescriptions had turned into recreations. I found pills for everything: pain, anxiety, sleeplessness, depression, impotence, allergies, high blood pressure, diabetes,” Land noted.
“There were other medications, too. My personal favorite: a topical testosterone cream. (I had to look that one up. It offsets a lack of libido in women. You apply the cream anywhere on your body except the genitals.)”
2. Well, Duh… Porn. But Lots Of Porn!
Land amused herself on the job by giving her houses names. One was dubbed “the Porn House,” for obvious reasons: “For all the issues of Hustler in the nightstand and for the bottle of lube that sometimes sat in front of the alarm clock, illuminated by the red numbers. I had to change the sheets, of course, but I never picked any socks up off the floor.”
According to Land, the wife in this particular household slept in the spare bedroom.
3. Ghoulish Knick Knacks.
One poor soul that Land cleaned for was unable to let go of his late wife’s memory, keeping all of her old trinkets, formerly written to-do lists, and even her hairdryer out on display.
Creepiest of all, however, was the discovery Land found on the bathroom shelf: “Two little boxes, one made from a heavy clay, the other some kind of dark pewter. His wife’s picture leaned behind the clay box,” she related.
“I opened them once. They had ashes, and tags and statements from the funeral home. I wondered if it comforted him to have them there, behind him, while he combed his hair.”
4. Total Money Squandering.
“The money my clients spent startled me,” Land, who was struggling to pay the bills at the time, noted. “One house had a receipt for a throw blanket more expensive than my car. I vacuumed children’s bedrooms bigger than my apartment.”
5. Disgusting Habits.
Land was forced to clean up after certain clients who left “surprises” in unexpected places. Land ran into one of them at the grocery store unexpectedly one day, and while watching her shop for food, recalled, “I knew she’d just gotten over a long sinus infection, and spat large wads of snot in the shower.”
6. Eating Disorders.
One of Land’s clients had an apparent, and dramatic, issue with food and appetite suppression. As Land describes, she kept “cartons of cigarettes in a freezer in the garage. They were the long, skinny types; I don’t remember the brand. A pantry off the kitchen had fat-free soups, crackers, and fat-free salad dressings. The refrigerator contained not much more than water and lettuce. A toilet in the upstairs bathroom off the kitchen always had crusted vomit under the rim.”
7. Divorcee Debauchery.
Land not only had to deal with porn-obsessed homeowners, she also found herself picking up after a divorced client’s boyfriend and discovering some of his, er, tricks. “He’d left an overnight bag at her house that week while the kids were at their dad’s. It had lube and one of those egg vibrators in it.”
8. Medical Emergencies.
Perhaps most startling of all, Land inadvertently became privy to alarming health scares. One client confessed to Land that she was pregnant, saying that Land was the very first person she’d shared the good news with. “A week or two after she told me about the pregnancy, I noticed spots of blood by the toilet,” Land recalled. “She told me about the miscarriage when I left. I acted as if I didn’t already know.”
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