“It hasn’t [been easy], but there have never been moments when I’m like, ‘This isn’t worth it,’” the 30-year-old told Elle U.K. “It’s been worth every second. I just don’t know what it would take for me to give it up. I am stable. I’m calmer.”
“For a long time, I felt like I was hiding a lot from people who looked up to me. I finally feel as though I can be free and myself, fully,” she added.
As OK! previously reported, the actress had to turn her life around after she was seen looking disheveled and confused while smoking a pipe with no shoes on in photos from last year.
“I hadn’t slept. I was not OK,” she previously said of returning from Burning Man. “It’s heartbreaking because I thought I was having fun, but at some point it was like, OK, I don’t look well. You know, sometimes you need a reality check, so in a way those pictures were something to be grateful for.”
“There’s an element of feeling invincible when I’m on drugs,” she continued of the experience. “I put myself in danger in those moments because I don’t care about my life. I would climb anything and jump off stuff … it felt feral. It’s a scary thing to the people around you who love you.”
Though friends tried to intervene, nothing worked until she realized she needed to work on herself.
“I hadn’t seen a therapist in three years,” she said. “I just kind of pushed everyone away, which made me realize how much I was in a bad place. I always thought that the work needs to be done when the times are bad, but actually the work needs to be done when they’re good. The work needs to be done consistently. It’s never going to be fixed or fully healed but I’m OK with that, and that’s the difference.”
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Additionally, she started a 12-step program. “Before I was always into the quick fix of healing, going to a weeklong retreat or to a course for trauma, say, and that helped for a minute, but it didn’t ever really get to the nitty-gritty, the deeper stuff. This time I realized that 12-step treatment was the best thing, and it was about not being ashamed of that. The community made a huge difference. The opposite of addiction is connection, and I really found that in 12-step," she shared.