Honesty hour! Ben Higgins revealed that he became “addicted” to painkillers after undergoing knee surgery in high school in his new book, Alone in Plain Sight: Searching for Connection When You’re Seen But Not Known.
“I knew I needed to get off of them, but I found it hard to do when, after every surgery, I was prescribed them again,” the 31-year-old wrote. “In addition, a lot of the people I chose to hang out with at this stage of my life were also taking painkillers.”
“I don’t want to go into too much detail, but suffice it to say I used a young woman as nothing more than an object for my pleasure,” Higgins explained. “When it was over, I discarded her. I didn’t care about her story or her desire for a relationship that wasn’t just physical and lasted longer than one night. I didn’t care that I’d hurt her. All I cared about was myself.”
He added, “I wasn’t just depressed. I was ashamed. I’d made a huge mess not only of my life but of the lives of others. I felt so bad that I retreated deep inside myself because I was afraid I was going to hurt somebody again. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t like myself, let alone love myself.”
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Fortunately, Higgins got his life together and realized this was not who he really was.
“When I made eye contact with myself, I felt like the devil himself was staring back at me. ‘Oh, God,’ I said out loud. ‘Who is this? This is not the man I ever wanted to be,’” he wrote. “I really meant the words, ‘Oh, God.’ It was the first prayer I’d prayed in a very long time — and maybe the most honest prayer I’d ever uttered. … I confessed to God how empty my life had become and how I did not want to stay on this path. 'If you are real,’ I cried, ‘save me from myself.’”
Despite being in a good place now, the ABC personality said it was “still tough” for him to think about his past — and he was nervous how the general public would react since he used to being the “good guy” on television.
“Not a lot of people know it in my own life, like, a lot of people don’t know that side [of me]. Because it’s not something you go around and parade around when you’re in it. It’s not something you talk about often, but [it’s] healing in a lot of ways to write it and to know what’s out there,” he told Us Weekly.
“Also, I hope that somebody out there can read it and go, ‘Hey, I’m in it too. And there’s a way out, but also while I’m still in it, like, I don’t have to be ashamed,’” he shared.
“She read her chapter already and the parts that were about her,” Higgins exclusively told OK!. “She said it was OK that I wrote [about the relationship] and that it will be in my book.
“I go into the breakup, I have a whole section on romantic relationships,” he revealed. “Also, my journey to figuring out that I felt unlovable and unlikeable, like outside looking in and how I have responded to that. So, there are sprinkled parts of the show, the book is not a Bachelor book but it highlights The Bachelor, the moments of The Bachelor that are really important to me and things I have learned from it.”
Higgins’ book is now available.